The new episode of The Gorram Nerd Hour goes up soon. In it we talk about my list of the ten worst genre movies of 2012. You can listen to it but I thought I would write out what I have to say about it here. Well, let’s get to it.
10) Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – It was over stylized and underwhelming. It may have looked pretty but style over substance does not make a good movie. As a Director of Photography Caleb Deschanel made it look beautiful and seemed to be at the top of his game. There were some cool moments but overall the movie was slow and tedious.
9) The Bourne Legacy – Some may argue this wasn’t a genre film but I contend that it is. They really played up the science fiction angle with this one. It still didn’t work. Jeremy Renner was great but that didn’t make up for the terrible story and horrible ending that makes you want to storm Universal Studio and demand your money back.
8) Men In Black 3 – Sure it was fun watching Josh Brolin do a Tommy Lee Jones impression. That didn’t save this movie. I love the screenwriter, Etan Cohen, but even he couldn’t save this movie. It doesn’t help that they started shooting before he was finished with the script and even had to shut down production briefly to let him write more stuff for them to shoot. When there’s so much money on the line you’d think Sony would have been a little more careful with their investment.
7) Dark Shadows – Remember when people liked Tim Burton movies? It was before he made Planet Of The Apes. Who doesn’t love his early work? It was fun, weird, full of magic. As Brian put it on the show – “I think Burton and Depp make movies together just to blow each other”. It was a terrible movie. People need to change and grow, not make the same crap over and over.
6) Wrath Of The Titans – Nobody asked for it. Nobody wanted it. Liam Neeson proved that he will do anything if the money’s there. It’s a terrible movie. As I wrote in the show notes for The Gorram Nerd Hour – “What’s next, Hollywood? Are you gonna hire the director to ruin Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and turn them into aliens?…Oh, you did? Shit!”
5) Total Recall – The best thing about this movie was that it reminded me how much I loved the Verhoeven/Shwarzenegger movie from 1990. They kept swearing up and down it wasn’t a remake but a closer adaptation of the Philip K. Dick short story. Everything about it was a remake! They just took Mars out and replaced it with the center of the Earth. Not even the hotness of Kate Beckinsale could save this movie.
4) The Devil Inside – I love exorcism movies. Always have. The problem with the bad ones is that they are so far of the mark that they are just laughable. This one passed laughable and just became unbearable. I reviewed it here. See what I thought then. I don’t want to waste any more words.
3) Resident Evil: Retribution – You thought the last one was terrible? It’s a masterpiece of cinema compared to the turd burger. Paul WS Anderson wrote and directed again from ideas sent to him by Twitter fans (I guess he has fans. Who knew?), because that’s a wonderful idea. You ask the fans how to ruin your movie and take the blame off yourself.
2) Silent Hill: Revelations – Nobody was begging for a sequel, especially not to a video game movie that most people dismissed the first time. Of course, that hasn’t stopped Resident Evil from making it to the theater five times now. Why should Silent Hill be any different, right? But instead of making it good let’s take the talented actors and give them nothing to do, take away all the cool stuff that worked in the first movie and Twilight the shit out of it by getting a couple of pretty high school kids to act all sad and conflicted. Way to go, Hollywood. You should have just turned this property over to Uwe Boll.
1) Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance – Nobody liked the first movie. Nobody wanted Nicolas Cage to come back. Nobody thought the movie was a good idea. That’s why Sony said, “Here’s some money, guys who made Crank. Go make Ghost Rider piss fire.” This was a clear case of Sony wanting to screw Marvel. They knew that if they didn’t make another Ghost Rider the rights to the property would move to Disney. They couldn’t have that. The only other superhero they have is Spider-Man while Fox has all the mutants and Fantastic Four and Disney has the rest. Good idea or not Sony refused to let the rights go. Idris Elba should have known better. Nicolas Cage never knows better.
Well, that does it for my list of the worst ten of 2012. Let me know what you thought. Agree, disagree?